Peter
So let's meet Peter... I didn't watch Hannah Brown's season, because frankly I couldn't stand her in the season where she was a member of the harem so I am not familiar with Pete. While he was doing his best Leonardo DiCaprio impression from "Catch Me If You Can" in the opening sequence (seriously how cheesy was that) I mean all he needed was that little necklace, "Oh I'm sorry miss, did you drop this?" Anyway, one episode in, he seems like a pretty genuine guy that isn't over ran with ego and the all consuming idea of fame lording over his personality (Hannah B). So there isn't much to say about him... yet. In the coming weeks, we will all get to know Peter better and we'll see if he is ABC's poster boy for romance or drama, but so far so good.
The Episode
I'll get back to the women, but first off let's dive into the on coming traffic that was the three dates; The airfield, The one on one, and the cringe worthy Hannah B let's talk about sex embarrassment. Starting off in Santa Monica (I'm guessing) we meet two of Pete's good friends (whom he has never met before) two Air Force pilots that are going to put the "ladies" through the riggers of Bachelor Aviation school. With more puns then my book of Dad jokes (yes ladies all of us men are issued one at age 30, it's a secret you're just not supposed to know it. I could get drone striked for revealing such information.) the ladies are tested on such aviation terms as; The Mile High Club, Cockpit, Sucking, Blowing, and a bunch of other double entendre word play that should make Mickey Mouse blush, ABC is owned by Disney after all.
But no group date would be complete without a "test", for this week's test of love I present to you Victoria (more on her later). Victoria is soft spoken girl that is nervous of her motion sickness. Honestly can you blame her, I'm sure that none of these early 20's "ladies" fresh out of college have ever made a first impression with a guy by requiring him to hold her hair as she pukes her guts out. I'm not being mean her, I just imagine that these WOOO Girls have been to a party or two and have puked once or twice. To be fair though, none of us would want to be in that position so I should stop being a jerk. In the end she "conquered" her fears and Pete was there to comfort her in the gender neutral bathroom.
One more thing to add about Victoria, I'm getting a serious victim vibe out of her, she has never had a guy give her a rose, she has never had a guy ask if she is ok. I'm sorry but she's a pretty good looking girl and you're telling me, no guy has hit on you, or made a very good play at her, EVER? Wasn't she also the girl who had to raise her sister because her mom was on meth or something? And did you see their house, sure I mean it was Alabama where $100K will get you a 15 bedroom mansion, but that place looked pretty nice for a dysfunctional broken home story. My AMAZING judgement of character is just telling me, she's a basket case and is going to be the sad pathetic girl all season...
HOWEVER other viewers may have different opinions, and she could be a very sweet girl that has just never met a sweet romantic man in her life and her life has just been really rough. Let me know what you think.
So back to our contest to see who is joining the 30,000 foot mile high club... Let this be a lesson to all of you kids out there, if you aren't cheating, you aren't trying. And if you are cheating, make sure that the producers want to see you as the winner of any contests that might arise on a group date. All of that being said, Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to Kelley, Peter's Four Season hook up girl. I'm honestly saying that I don't think there is a windmill at the Four Seasons up in LA, but they did share some sort of dance, so something happened. Isn't it just a little odd that they then did this episode at the same hotel that they met at? What the other 1000 high end hotels in the greater LA area just weren't good enough? Exactly ABC set this one up, like they set her up to win the airport challenge, but come on, can't you at least hide it a little better ABC, I mean you aren't even trying anymore to make the show look real.
Moving on to the 1 on 1 date with Madison...
It was a sweet date.
What you wanted more? Ok catching the bouquet almost sent me to join Victoria in the gender neutral bathroom from the amount of cheese ABC was feeding me, but NO, it was a sweet date, stop being haters.
And because that date was actually sweet and what the show is supposed to be about, let's bring you back down to Earth with what the show is really about... Drama. I'm sorry but any date that your EX set up for you is a bad idea, again, come on ABC can't you just let us try to imagine the fantasy? Oh I get it now... You asshats at ABC got me caring now. Anyway... let's talk about no-ones favorite Bachelorette and her, oh God tell me it's her 16th minute of fame, Hannah Brown. So to be fair to our friends at ABC, Hannah's season was the highest rated season of the batchelorette yet, so of course they are going to whore her out as much as possible, and she's down with it too. And let's be honest, if ABC wanted to whore me out on TV as much as possible, I'm down so I cannot really begrudge her for it. Then again, she's on TV and I'm not so screw it, let the begrudging begin.
Seriously they are going to milk Hannah for as much as they can, she already did dancing with the stars, I'd expect her to be a guest judge on American Idol for Christ sake. I mean get the initial appeal of her, she has that Southern Girl Next Door look to her, but then she speaks and man you can just tell she is full of it and herself. You had 30 men in your season and you're single! You're #1 and #2 options didn't work out as you tried with both of them, so now you're here for #3. Not to mention that you're new bachelor fame has brought you loads of attention, and you have intermingled with the rest of the bachelor alumni brood, and you're still single? If anyone wants to give their daughters a lesson on how not to be, watch this girl. And I'm tired of your damn windmill story, we get it, you had sex with Pete, congratulations! I guess I should be happy I don't get to hear about the bachelor being a virgin 4 million times this season. "ABC, we find an interesting point, and drive it into the ground"
One final point on the dates and Hannah, ABC / Disney, you brought Hannah on the show to talk about sex. You have asked the other contestants to tell one of their sex stories (just saying, if they were asking guys to give one of their sex stories, wouldn't that be "wrong"...). All I'm saying, after all of this family friendly content, you better give me a rated R Deadpool 3. Come on Disney don't puss out now (oh yeah they did a pussy cat joke too) don't stop now at sex, give me the cartoon violence.
The "Ladies of the
Holy God you're still reading? Well good because you have come to the best part, let's shamelessly rate and jockey these women to see who will win Pete's heart (just saying it back but envision Chris Harrison's voice).
In order from which they arrived, not counting ones that have already gone home. Rating them on a scale of 1-5 on their potential to win. These are actually my first impression ratings as they came out of the limo.
Alayah - 2 - Seems ok, maybe should be a 3, seems vanilla
Sydney - 1 - Who?
Hannah Ann - 4.5 - Okay ladies and gentlemen I give you your first front runner, easily in my top 2. She seems like all sorts of trouble though. Interrupted other women's time at the cocktail party. Shameless and will get at least one girl sent home for trying to warn Peter about her.
Sarah - 1 - eh
Lauren - 3.5 - This is a dark horse, I thought that she had some good personality coming out of the limo. We haven't seen much of her, but keep an eye on her.
Victoria - 3 - Probably a 4 after watching the whole episode. This is our victim girl. I think she is a basket case who will constantly need reassuring. I just see her as the quiet problem girl, should do well.
Mykenna - 1 - Initially I had her as a psycho 1 but I realized that she is a level 3 psycho. Should be a villain this season.
Kelsey - 1 - Grammer? Cheers?
Madison - 4 - She came with a giant paper airplane so I gave her a 4 for that playfulness. After the one on one date, I feel good with that score.
Tammy - 3 - The house flipper, oddly are only Asian (or did I miss someone). She got cheated by the producers when they let Kelley win the contest. I think she is kind of trashy, her dress night one seemed to be coming off the shoulder in a way that didn't look correct. My just being prudish I guess. But hey I gave her a 3 so it's not all hate.
Shiann - 3 - Out of the limo I thought a 3, as the episode rolled on a 1. She is in the running for most likely to warn Peter and then get kicked off.
Courtney - 2.5 - I cannot remember her, but she must be ok.
Kirra - 2 - I have a note, "bad girl" we will see
Lexi - 4 - showed up in the corvette. Hey I award style points. I thought she was pretty good until I saw her crying about something when they announced the second group date. Emotional mess? We will see.
Deandra - 1 - Showed up with a windmill on her back, hoping to be put on her back. No potential here.
Payton - 2 - Why do we have a football player on the show?
Jasmine - 2 - Insert your own bad Aladdin joke here
Kylie - 1 - I don't know, uh.. she's dumb and farted. I don't know there are like 30 girls I can't think of something witty for all of them.
Victoria F - 3 - Had a level of arrogance about her where she thinks pretty big of herself. Has potential.
Savannah - 4.5 - This girl came out of the limo and kissed him up front. What I "liked" about it was that it looked more like confidence than arrogance. Keep an eye on this one folks.
Alexa - 1 - "Alexa, find me an Uber home." "Ok, finding you an Uber to dumpsville, population, you."
Natasha - 0 - Originally I gave her a 1 but as the episode went on, how could I not give her a 0? She's like the Jason Garrett trying to find another head coaching job.
Kelley - 4.5 - The Chicago lawyer. Lots of potential here. She met him in the off season and now has a head start on the rest of the ladies. HOWEVER, I see signs that she might be an emotional train wreck waiting to happen.
And there we go, 3 hours worth of notes brought to you with love.
Any bets that they will go to Holland this year???
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