Before we start I'd just like to remind you all that this is exactly where Jade and Tanner found love and got engaged last season. Never mind all of the other couples that went down in flames in the same location, but in this one spot, two people did fall in love with each other. I mean it has to work for someone right? Right? right....
That was my best Chris Harrison impression, it's like the equivalency of when people say, "Such and such is the perfect place to fall in love." On every other season of the Bachelor.
Oh sorry, time for a commercial
Buy a Toyota.
Back to the show.
Let's start off with America's favorite bed jumper, Izzy. We all remember Izzy don't we? She's the girl that had the amazing relationship with Vinny in the early part of the season, but then some dude with way too perfect hair and a light bulb showed up and that lit a little light bulb over Izzy where she decided that it was time to dump Vinny and move on. Flash forward to today and we hear the interviews with Izzy about how wonderful Brett is, which of course only means one thing...
Eat at Burger King
It means that the relationship is about to end. Brett had an "Amazing time" (trademark) with Lauren on his last date so he decided that maybe it was time for him to jump ship too. After a quick chat with Lauren telling her how wonderful she is, he summons Izzy over for the sweetest piece of karma to be served up on National TV, at least until no one casts a single vote for either presidential candidate, Brett breaks it off with Izzy.
I know stunning right? She takes it like a champ for the first couple of minutes, well at least to Brett, before she breaks down in front of the other "ladies". In that moment of clarity she realizes, "I had something special with Vinny, and I threw it all away for a light bulb." Izzy has a plan, she's just going to leave paradise and go running back to Vinny, I mean it has to work right, I'm Izzy and I'm still F'n awesome. I mean who cares if my attraction to someone can be flipped on and off like a light switch (unintentional pun), I know that I'm Izzy, I'm just as awesome as the USC 2016 football team, I'm awesome and nothing is going to get in my way of getting my man back and getting exactly what I want!" quotes go in there someplace, I forget where they start and end, and I'm too lazy to check my grammar.
This season on ABC and ESPN, the college football playoffs, start sometime in January, be there as National Powerhouses collide! Now back to our show. Oh and be sure to watch Designated Survivor, Blackish (which I heard someplace is nominated for an Emmy), and our new show Speechless, starting in two weeks... Now back to our show...
In the Tahoe on the way home (good job putting tape over the logos, I had no idea what they were driving) I mean shit you're running a damn commercial every 30 seconds, you really couldn't go out there and get the Chevy endorsement too? Really? Hell did you at least get 3M while you were at it for the tape.
Tonight's episode of Bachelor in Paradise brought to you by 3M, the makers of tape that you put on vehicles so we can pretend people don't know what you're driving. And tape something that makes things stick together, like Jade and Tanner, they stuck together, right? right?
As I was saying, Izzy calls up her man Vinny and quickly he becomes America's man, when he shuts her down. "I ain't your #!#@%$#@ crutch." Well something like that anyway. It's kind of like at the end of Swingers when the ex calls after he just met the woman of his dreams and the conversation ends with him hanging up on her. Seriously, if you haven't watched Swingers, go do yourself a favor and watch it. It's from the guy that gave you Ironman for Godsake!
At this point Izzy crumbles like a fresh taco shell, I mean really what did she think, he was just going to be ok with the way he got dropped. Oh wait of course she did, because, you know, women... Anyway... good for him. Vinny, on behalf of all men that got a bad shake at one point or another, I'd like to salute you.
You know what would be great right about now? A bucket of KFC, that's right, the chicken that you hate to love.
Speaking of chicken, I forgot about this weeks after thought, what's her name, do we care? She got a free weekend trip to Mexico and a platter of chicken wings to deliver a date card to Nick, so really who cares what her name is. I'd have taken that deal, call me!
That's right Nick, next season's bachelor (spoiler alert) got a date card so that he could take Jen out so that they could see if things were going to work out between the two of them. It doesn't (spoiler alert). But that doesn't mean they can't eat up 20 minutes of time on the show, it was either that or another commercial for some drug that I should ask my doctor about. Seriously have you tried to watch this show live, just shoot me.
Jen and Nick go and talk to the most set up fortune teller who proceeds to read the Nick scouting report that he has trouble opening up, thank goodness you had those tarot cards to drop that little bit of knowledge on us. Why not just tell them they won't work, oh I guess telling the future doesn't work like that, by telling us you know the future.
Anyway other crap happened, we get to the rose ceremony, Brett decides that his work here is done, so he drops his rose on the floor like a boss, throws up deuces, and struts on out of there. Well that's how I remember it happening anyway. Lauren gets to go home, Jamie, the chicken girl, and yep...
The next morning Chris Harrison is back to tell the couples that if they aren't feeling it, they need to break up. You know because there isn't a real world back home where the couples could continue to see each other and date like normal people. Nope it's either you go to the fantasy suite and make sweet sweet love or you go home. I mean while the ultimatum? Made me feel like they made a deal with the mafia to go down to paradise and find love or get the hell out. What is a producer sitting back at their house with a gun to their pet if they don't play by the rules? Actually I was thinking about it and I was wondering that if they didn't play by the rules, the producers would edit the show in a way that made them all look like the worst people on the Earth. I can just imagine Chris now,
"I'd like to remind you all, that you signed a contract. And if we don't like what we see, or if we feel that we're being taken advantage of, there will be consequences. 'Don't make empty promises' (he actually said that part), we have enough material on all of you over the last 5 weeks that we can destroy your lives. So do us all a favor, find love, like Jade and Tanner. Give ABC their happy ending, and no one gets hurt." - Chris
Or something like that. Well the pressure got to Wells. He took Ashley aside and told her that he just wasn't going to be able to perform in the fantasy suite. He could have just talked to Evan, but whatever. So yet again, no love for Ashley, she's pretty much a cunt anyway so good for him. That being said, I'd love for her to be the next Bachelorette, I mean how awesome would that be!
Wow this got long...
On the challenge date, Grant decided that he needed Lace to prove to him that she loved him. Granted she is pretty non-committal, but really... I like how she's all, "I don't like tattoos" While she has one on her finger, did she have a tramp stamp, I forget? And she is dating a guy that is covered in them. Obviously they weren't that big and issue in those other cases, but I still have to agree, really?
Finally, Amanda and Josh. What about Evan and Carly you ask? Forget them, they bore me. Amanda and Josh, it was so cute that they went to a field to watch some kids play soccer. It gave them some time to talk about how much they both want to have a family and how much they love kids and can't wait to have some one day... Oh that's right Amanda has kids back in America, that she hasn't seen in over a month. Sorry if I question her commitment to being a mother, but I guess being a celebrity is what pays the bills.
Predictions!!!
Evan and Carly - In the promos we see a whole lot of this bitch crying, probably misleading us into thinking that things won't work out (by bitch I mean Evan). This looks to me like he's getting emotional before the proposal. My guess, just like Jade and Tanner (have you heard about those two) Evan and Carly will have a wedding thrown for them by ABC in a year or so. Sorry I can't lie to you, they will get engaged, but she will break it off once she realizes that it's Evan she's engaged to.
Nick and Jen - D.O.A. He's the bachelor next season! My guess they brought her on the show to make him look better before giving him the reins. One more reminder that he's a wounded little puppy too. First Josh, to make him look like he's getting bullied, then Jen to make him look capable of love, and then the chicken girl to give him a date card. Good job ABC, you set it up so stealth like, you're F'n ninjas!
Grant and Lace - This is going to end so badly. Grant is going to propose, Lace is going to turn into her bitch self and just say, "Whatever." Pulls out a cocktail and strolls off the beach to go find her next conquest. At that point Grant will jump into the ocean and do battle with a great white shark, it will be the greatest human / shark battle the world has seen since Jaws. Afterwards Grant and the shark will go get tattoos and eat sushi together.
Amanda and Josh - ABC is just going to erect (with the help of Evan) a small little shack there on the beach so that those two can just get on with the sex. Afterwards they will be whisked away on a worldwide adventure where they will travel as a couple for ABC's new show, "Amazing Bachelor Couple, Race". After a year on the road where we'll get to see them make out in all sorts of uncomfortable places (like the back of a Volkswagen [bonus points if you get that reference]) they will conclude their trip in Africa, where they will adopt two children so they can go home and start a family and live hap-- Oh that's right she already has two kids... I forgot... Oh like I'm the bad person, she forgot weeks ago."
With that, I say farewell. I will be travelling the night after the finale so I won't get to see it until later in the week. Let's see how well my predictions go.
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