The Bachelor Ep 3 - Ho Down

Welcome everyone to another exciting week of love, drama, and perfect teeth, as I take you on another odyssey that is...  The Bachelor!

Sorry about last week, I drank too much champagne and just couldn't get to the keyboard to write up last week's episode

One more take on Kelsey before I move on, and for this I call upon Barney Stinson to illustrate my thoughts.  Remember, crazy gets you to Bachelor in Paradise.

Anyway enough of the preamble, on to the episode!!!!

Tonight we start off by making sure we appeal to the "Country Demographic" by making sure that we hit up some line dancing.  Peter is from California, like the rich areas so maaaayyybe he likes himself some country music and a good old honkeytonk but I was leaning more to the producers saying, "We need to make sure we capture that Texas and Southern audience."  My wife thinks I'm being stupid and considering Peter could line dance, maybe that is his "jam".  What can I say I'm biased, I grew up in fricken Norco, CA

Swear to God, this is from the city's website

Between this and K-Frog, it's like I have PTSD.  It's not that I hate country music, it's a part of me that I can never get clean.  Sorry rambling again.

After the country festivities, Peter and Victoria head to a hanger to have a dinner surrounded by planes.  During the dinner Victoria proceeds to tell Peter about her horrible background and how she grew up without food and had to take care of her sister and how her mom was an addict, etc...  Really it's a sad story, Hallmark should make a movie about it sometime.  Here is the problem though...  Does her sob story work too well with Peter?  Meaning that she generated a lot of sympathy, but did she also generate a lot of pity.  Pity is a dangerous thing, pity is a reason to not let someone go when you don't feel it anymore.  The whole time that she is telling her story, (and let's face it, I'm a jaded asshole so boohoo, karma is going to get me for that)...  I'm thinking this fairy tale story that she is trying to make for herself, hell she even called him her Prince Charming, is just going to end in a horrible way.  She is going to make it to like the final 3 or 4 and then get dumped after he hung on to her for way too long, just because he didn't want to hurt her.  We will see...

Speaking of hurting, it's time for some foxy boxing, girls in night wear having a pillow fight.  Seriously did they rip this from "The Man Show" 15 years ago, thanks Jimmy Kimmel.  Getting back to my point, who is this for?  I don't think the women watching this care to see the "ladies" in nightwear, is this for the boyfriends and husbands that got sucked into watching with their significant others?  I can see it now.

Woman / Girlfriend / Wife, "Honey come watch the Bachelor with me."

Man / Boyfriend / Husband, "Uh no thanks."

Woman, "It has a bunch of girls in their 20's getting into lingerie"

Man, "Oh ok then, I'm in!"

That conversation isn't taking place on so many levels so, just why?

As the women duke it out, the champion is this week's drama queen, Alayah, also the champion of the pillow fight.  At dinner that night, she gives the discount Victoria P pity story, and it really sounds fake as hell.  Her voice gets all light and fluffy sounding super rehearsed.  Peter is totally taken in by it, because pageant girl telling him everything he wants to hear, shocker that it works!  But one girl was having none of it, Sydney.

Sydney decides to take her one on one time and express to Peter what she thinks about Alayah, and in a shock to me, it actually works for once.  I don't think I have ever seen it work out for the girl complaining about another girl and not get sent home right away.  Peter does even one better, he calls out Alayah in front of all the girls on the group date and essentially forces Sydney to say publicly what she told him.  Awkward.  I see you Disney...

The next day at the pool "party" Peter takes time to talk to all of the girls about Alayah and they all pretty much tell him the same thing, she's fake.  But still "his heart is speaking to him."  Or something like that.  It's not until Victoria P tells Peter that she knew Alayah from before and that she was asked to lie about going on the show.  Just wondering why that isn't an issue for Victoria, but I digress.  Ultimately the part that Peter can't get over is that she was lying about knowing another person on the show.  Who gives a crap?  It's not like you had a boyfriend at home or something, which we have seen before.  But it doesn't make a difference, at that moment Peter is too confused and in a moment that was essentially made for the commercials last week, Chris Harrison comes in and takes one of the remaining two roses, BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMM

What about those roses?  Well lets see who we have left here

Name / Initial rating / Current rating

Victoria P - 3 - 4 - Victoria is doing pretty well, her sob story really hooked Peter and now all she has to do is cry when she sees a cupcake to talk about how she never had chocolate growing up and boom she has a rose.  Problem is, Peter isn't going to be able to Pity F her in paradise without feeling guilty, so she's doomed.

Sydney - 1 - 2 - I didn't have a look of respect for her out of the gates, but she gets a point for at least surviving telling the Bachelor one of the girls in his harem shouldn't be there.  Points for that, but she doesn't have a prayer.

Victoria F - 3 - 3 - Honestly I don't even remember how she got a rose on their date, and I don't care enough to go back and watch.  Since it was forgettable to me, I guess she has hope.

Kelsey - 1 - 2 - Crazy is sticking around, and let's face it

Hannah Ann - 4.5 - 4 - I have cooled on her a little bit, I think she is really strong, but she does seem to be around a bit of drama.  Still a very strong contender to make it to the end and win Peter's heart /cough cough  Sorry threw up in my mouth a little bit there.

Natasha - 1 - 1 - Angry 31 year old.  After watching this show for years, I'm going to say it...  30 and single equals issues.  Oh what?  I said I was an A-hole up above lol  You'll see.

Lexi - 4 - 2 - I really liked her getting out of the Corvette night one, but I'm just not seeing it now.

Madison - 4 - 4 - I kind of forget her, but my wife thinks she is the winner so, BOOM!!!

Shiann - 1 - 1 - Who?

Kelley - 4.5 - 4.5 - This is my winner.  The lawyer from Chicago, whom Peter already knew.  She does have one severe disadvantage though, she got an early date.  That can come back and bite a contestant as they get forgotten later in the season.

Kierra - 2 - 2 - Have we even seem him talk to her?

Tammy - 3 - 3 - I really thought this girl was going to be drama, but it just seems like the drama is around her.  She seems more like a supporting character this season rather than an contender.  I can see her sticking around until they head off to some other country.

Savannah - 4.5 - ??? - Honestly I have no idea who this girl is now.  My notes say she kissed him getting out of the limo, uh ok..

Deandra - 1 - 3 - I am upping my ranking because I think she gets a one on one and that keeps her around for an extra couple of weeks.

Mykenna - 3 - 2 - I actually felt bad for this girl, she didn't get time to talk to Peter and the producers really made sure to put that on camera.  Doesn't she seem like a really young 22, like she lied on the application.  I mean she did come from Canada and they go by the metric system so maybe in 'Merican years that's like 17.  I hope she stays, her tears are fun to watch, and I see raging maniac in the future with her too.

Holy God, I have to pick 4 out of these ladies...

Give me Hannah Ann, Kelley, Victoria P, and Madison

Not so hard after all

Next week it's off to Cleveland, "The perfect place to fall in love."

Wait What?  Maybe Odell Beckham will slap one of them on the ass.

Congratulations to former USC assistant and interim head coach Ed Orgeron for winning the National Championship, while my Trojans languished in mediocrity for another season.  Great decision Trojans!!!

The Bachelor Season 2020 - Back for more "love"

Welcome back everyone, it's been 4 years since we last did this and what better time to start up the fun once again.  Yes it's time for another season of shameless shut shaming as we look for genuine love and romance in the reality fueled fun that is The Bachelor.

Peter

So let's meet Peter...  I didn't watch Hannah Brown's season, because frankly I couldn't stand her in the season where she was a member of the harem so I am not familiar with Pete.  While he was doing his best Leonardo DiCaprio impression from "Catch Me If You Can" in the opening sequence (seriously how cheesy was that) I mean all he needed was that little necklace, "Oh I'm sorry miss, did you drop this?"  Anyway, one episode in, he seems like a pretty genuine guy that isn't over ran with ego and the all consuming idea of fame lording over his personality (Hannah B).  So there isn't much to say about him... yet.  In the coming weeks, we will all get to know Peter better and we'll see if he is ABC's poster boy for romance or drama, but so far so good.

The Episode

I'll get back to the women, but first off let's dive into the on coming traffic that was the three dates; The airfield, The one on one, and the cringe worthy Hannah B let's talk about sex embarrassment.  Starting off in Santa Monica (I'm guessing) we meet two of Pete's good friends (whom he has never met before) two Air Force pilots that are going to put the "ladies" through the riggers of Bachelor Aviation school.  With more puns then my book of Dad jokes (yes ladies all of us men are issued one at age 30, it's a secret you're just not supposed to know it.  I could get drone striked for revealing such information.) the ladies are tested on such aviation terms as; The Mile High Club, Cockpit, Sucking, Blowing, and a bunch of other double entendre word play that should make Mickey Mouse blush, ABC is owned by Disney after all.

But no group date would be complete without a "test", for this week's test of love I present to you Victoria (more on her later).  Victoria is soft spoken girl that is nervous of her motion sickness.  Honestly can you blame her, I'm sure that none of these early 20's "ladies" fresh out of college have ever made a first impression with a guy by requiring him to hold her hair as she pukes her guts out.  I'm not being mean her, I just imagine that these WOOO Girls have been to a party or two and have puked once or twice.  To be fair though, none of us would want to be in that position so I should stop being a jerk.  In the end she "conquered" her fears and Pete was there to comfort her in the gender neutral bathroom.

One more thing to add about Victoria, I'm getting a serious victim vibe out of her, she has never had a guy give her a rose, she has never had a guy ask if she is ok.  I'm sorry but she's a pretty good looking girl and you're telling me, no guy has hit on you, or made a very good play at her, EVER?  Wasn't she also the girl who had to raise her sister because her mom was on meth or something?  And did you see their house, sure I mean it was Alabama where $100K will get you a 15 bedroom mansion, but that place looked pretty nice for a dysfunctional broken home story.  My AMAZING judgement of character is just telling me, she's a basket case and is going to be the sad pathetic girl all season...

HOWEVER other viewers may have different opinions, and she could be a very sweet girl that has just never met a sweet romantic man in her life and her life has just been really rough.  Let me know what you think.

So back to our contest to see who is joining the 30,000 foot mile high club...  Let this be a lesson to all of you kids out there, if you aren't cheating, you aren't trying.  And if you are cheating, make sure that the producers want to see you as the winner of any contests that might arise on a group date.  All of that being said, Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to Kelley, Peter's Four Season hook up girl.  I'm honestly saying that I don't think there is a windmill at the Four Seasons up in LA, but they did share some sort of dance, so something happened.  Isn't it just a little odd that they then did this episode at the same hotel that they met at?  What the other 1000 high end hotels in the greater LA area just weren't good enough?  Exactly ABC set this one up, like they set her up to win the airport challenge, but come on, can't you at least hide it a little better ABC, I mean you aren't even trying anymore to make the show look real.

Moving on to the 1 on 1 date with Madison...

It was a sweet date.

What you wanted more?  Ok catching the bouquet almost sent me to join Victoria in the gender neutral bathroom from the amount of cheese ABC was feeding me, but NO, it was a sweet date, stop being haters.

And because that date was actually sweet and what the show is supposed to be about, let's bring you back down to Earth with what the show is really about... Drama.  I'm sorry but any date that your EX set up for you is a bad idea, again, come on ABC can't you just let us try to imagine the fantasy?  Oh I get it now...  You asshats at ABC got me caring now.  Anyway...  let's talk about no-ones favorite Bachelorette and her, oh God tell me it's her 16th minute of fame, Hannah Brown.  So to be fair to our friends at ABC, Hannah's season was the highest rated season of the batchelorette yet, so of course they are going to whore her out as much as possible, and she's down with it too.  And let's be honest, if ABC wanted to whore me out on TV as much as possible, I'm down so I cannot really begrudge her for it.  Then again, she's on TV and I'm not so screw it, let the begrudging begin.

Seriously they are going to milk Hannah for as much as they can, she already did dancing with the stars, I'd expect her to be a guest judge on American Idol for Christ sake.  I mean get the initial appeal of her, she has that Southern Girl Next Door look to her, but then she speaks and man you can just tell she is full of it and herself.  You had 30 men in your season and you're single!  You're #1 and #2 options didn't work out as you tried with both of them, so now you're here for #3.  Not to mention that you're new bachelor fame has brought you loads of attention, and you have intermingled with the rest of the bachelor alumni brood, and you're still single?  If anyone wants to give their daughters a lesson on how not to be, watch this girl.  And I'm tired of your damn windmill story, we get it, you had sex with Pete, congratulations!  I guess I should be happy I don't get to hear about the bachelor being a virgin 4 million times this season.  "ABC, we find an interesting point, and drive it into the ground"

One final point on the dates and Hannah, ABC / Disney, you brought Hannah on the show to talk about sex.  You have asked the other contestants to tell one of their sex stories (just saying, if they were asking guys to give one of their sex stories, wouldn't that be "wrong"...).  All I'm saying, after all of this family friendly content, you better give me a rated R Deadpool 3.  Come on Disney don't puss out now (oh yeah they did a pussy cat joke too) don't stop now at sex, give me the cartoon violence.

The "Ladies of the first Night"

Holy God you're still reading?  Well good because you have come to the best part, let's shamelessly rate and jockey these women to see who will win Pete's heart (just saying it back but envision Chris Harrison's voice).

In order from which they arrived, not counting ones that have already gone home.  Rating them on a scale of 1-5 on their potential to win.  These are actually my first impression ratings as they came out of the limo.

Alayah - 2 - Seems ok, maybe should be a 3, seems vanilla

Sydney - 1 - Who?

Hannah Ann - 4.5 - Okay ladies and gentlemen I give you your first front runner, easily in my top 2.  She seems like all sorts of trouble though.  Interrupted other women's time at the cocktail party.  Shameless and will get at least one girl sent home for trying to warn Peter about her.

Sarah - 1 - eh

Lauren - 3.5 - This is a dark horse, I thought that she had some good personality coming out of the limo.  We haven't seen much of her, but keep an eye on her.

Victoria - 3 - Probably a 4 after watching the whole episode.  This is our victim girl.  I think she is a basket case who will constantly need reassuring.  I just see her as the quiet problem girl, should do well.

Mykenna - 1 - Initially I had her as a psycho 1 but I realized that she is a level 3 psycho.  Should be a villain this season.

Kelsey - 1 - Grammer?  Cheers?

Madison - 4 - She came with a giant paper airplane so I gave her a 4 for that playfulness.  After the one on one date, I feel good with that score.

Tammy - 3 - The house flipper, oddly are only Asian (or did I miss someone).  She got cheated by the producers when they let Kelley win the contest.  I think she is kind of trashy, her dress night one seemed to be coming off the shoulder in a way that didn't look correct.  My just being prudish I guess.  But hey I gave her a 3 so it's not all hate.

Shiann - 3 - Out of the limo I thought a 3, as the episode rolled on a 1.  She is in the running for most likely to warn Peter and then get kicked off.

Courtney - 2.5 - I cannot remember her, but she must be ok.

Kirra - 2 - I have a note, "bad girl" we will see

Lexi - 4 - showed up in the corvette.  Hey I award style points.  I thought she was pretty good until I saw her crying about something when they announced the second group date.  Emotional mess?  We will see.

Deandra - 1 - Showed up with a windmill on her back, hoping to be put on her back.  No potential here.

Payton - 2 - Why do we have a football player on the show?

Jasmine - 2 - Insert your own bad Aladdin joke here

Kylie - 1 - I don't know, uh..  she's dumb and farted.  I don't know there are like 30 girls I can't think of something witty for all of them.

Victoria F - 3 - Had a level of arrogance about her where she thinks pretty big of herself.  Has potential.

Savannah - 4.5 - This girl came out of the limo and kissed him up front.  What I "liked" about it was that it looked more like confidence than arrogance.  Keep an eye on this one folks.

Alexa - 1 - "Alexa, find me an Uber home."  "Ok, finding you an Uber to dumpsville, population, you."

Natasha - 0 - Originally I gave her a 1 but as the episode went on, how could I not give her a 0?  She's like the Jason Garrett trying to find another head coaching job.

Kelley - 4.5 - The Chicago lawyer.  Lots of potential here.  She met him in the off season and now has a head start on the rest of the ladies.  HOWEVER, I see signs that she might be an emotional train wreck waiting to happen.

And there we go, 3 hours worth of notes brought to you with love.

Any bets that they will go to Holland this year???