Before we start I'd just like to remind you all that this is exactly where Jade and Tanner found love and got engaged last season. Never mind all of the other couples that went down in flames in the same location, but in this one spot, two people did fall in love with each other. I mean it has to work for someone right? Right? right....
That was my best Chris Harrison impression, it's like the equivalency of when people say, "Such and such is the perfect place to fall in love." On every other season of the Bachelor.
Oh sorry, time for a commercial
Buy a Toyota.
Back to the show.
Let's start off with America's favorite bed jumper, Izzy. We all remember Izzy don't we? She's the girl that had the amazing relationship with Vinny in the early part of the season, but then some dude with way too perfect hair and a light bulb showed up and that lit a little light bulb over Izzy where she decided that it was time to dump Vinny and move on. Flash forward to today and we hear the interviews with Izzy about how wonderful Brett is, which of course only means one thing...
Eat at Burger King
It means that the relationship is about to end. Brett had an "Amazing time" (trademark) with Lauren on his last date so he decided that maybe it was time for him to jump ship too. After a quick chat with Lauren telling her how wonderful she is, he summons Izzy over for the sweetest piece of karma to be served up on National TV, at least until no one casts a single vote for either presidential candidate, Brett breaks it off with Izzy.
I know stunning right? She takes it like a champ for the first couple of minutes, well at least to Brett, before she breaks down in front of the other "ladies". In that moment of clarity she realizes, "I had something special with Vinny, and I threw it all away for a light bulb." Izzy has a plan, she's just going to leave paradise and go running back to Vinny, I mean it has to work right, I'm Izzy and I'm still F'n awesome. I mean who cares if my attraction to someone can be flipped on and off like a light switch (unintentional pun), I know that I'm Izzy, I'm just as awesome as the USC 2016 football team, I'm awesome and nothing is going to get in my way of getting my man back and getting exactly what I want!" quotes go in there someplace, I forget where they start and end, and I'm too lazy to check my grammar.
This season on ABC and ESPN, the college football playoffs, start sometime in January, be there as National Powerhouses collide! Now back to our show. Oh and be sure to watch Designated Survivor, Blackish (which I heard someplace is nominated for an Emmy), and our new show Speechless, starting in two weeks... Now back to our show...
In the Tahoe on the way home (good job putting tape over the logos, I had no idea what they were driving) I mean shit you're running a damn commercial every 30 seconds, you really couldn't go out there and get the Chevy endorsement too? Really? Hell did you at least get 3M while you were at it for the tape.
Tonight's episode of Bachelor in Paradise brought to you by 3M, the makers of tape that you put on vehicles so we can pretend people don't know what you're driving. And tape something that makes things stick together, like Jade and Tanner, they stuck together, right? right?
As I was saying, Izzy calls up her man Vinny and quickly he becomes America's man, when he shuts her down. "I ain't your #!#@%$#@ crutch." Well something like that anyway. It's kind of like at the end of Swingers when the ex calls after he just met the woman of his dreams and the conversation ends with him hanging up on her. Seriously, if you haven't watched Swingers, go do yourself a favor and watch it. It's from the guy that gave you Ironman for Godsake!
At this point Izzy crumbles like a fresh taco shell, I mean really what did she think, he was just going to be ok with the way he got dropped. Oh wait of course she did, because, you know, women... Anyway... good for him. Vinny, on behalf of all men that got a bad shake at one point or another, I'd like to salute you.
You know what would be great right about now? A bucket of KFC, that's right, the chicken that you hate to love.
Speaking of chicken, I forgot about this weeks after thought, what's her name, do we care? She got a free weekend trip to Mexico and a platter of chicken wings to deliver a date card to Nick, so really who cares what her name is. I'd have taken that deal, call me!
That's right Nick, next season's bachelor (spoiler alert) got a date card so that he could take Jen out so that they could see if things were going to work out between the two of them. It doesn't (spoiler alert). But that doesn't mean they can't eat up 20 minutes of time on the show, it was either that or another commercial for some drug that I should ask my doctor about. Seriously have you tried to watch this show live, just shoot me.
Jen and Nick go and talk to the most set up fortune teller who proceeds to read the Nick scouting report that he has trouble opening up, thank goodness you had those tarot cards to drop that little bit of knowledge on us. Why not just tell them they won't work, oh I guess telling the future doesn't work like that, by telling us you know the future.
Anyway other crap happened, we get to the rose ceremony, Brett decides that his work here is done, so he drops his rose on the floor like a boss, throws up deuces, and struts on out of there. Well that's how I remember it happening anyway. Lauren gets to go home, Jamie, the chicken girl, and yep...
The next morning Chris Harrison is back to tell the couples that if they aren't feeling it, they need to break up. You know because there isn't a real world back home where the couples could continue to see each other and date like normal people. Nope it's either you go to the fantasy suite and make sweet sweet love or you go home. I mean while the ultimatum? Made me feel like they made a deal with the mafia to go down to paradise and find love or get the hell out. What is a producer sitting back at their house with a gun to their pet if they don't play by the rules? Actually I was thinking about it and I was wondering that if they didn't play by the rules, the producers would edit the show in a way that made them all look like the worst people on the Earth. I can just imagine Chris now,
"I'd like to remind you all, that you signed a contract. And if we don't like what we see, or if we feel that we're being taken advantage of, there will be consequences. 'Don't make empty promises' (he actually said that part), we have enough material on all of you over the last 5 weeks that we can destroy your lives. So do us all a favor, find love, like Jade and Tanner. Give ABC their happy ending, and no one gets hurt." - Chris
Or something like that. Well the pressure got to Wells. He took Ashley aside and told her that he just wasn't going to be able to perform in the fantasy suite. He could have just talked to Evan, but whatever. So yet again, no love for Ashley, she's pretty much a cunt anyway so good for him. That being said, I'd love for her to be the next Bachelorette, I mean how awesome would that be!
Wow this got long...
On the challenge date, Grant decided that he needed Lace to prove to him that she loved him. Granted she is pretty non-committal, but really... I like how she's all, "I don't like tattoos" While she has one on her finger, did she have a tramp stamp, I forget? And she is dating a guy that is covered in them. Obviously they weren't that big and issue in those other cases, but I still have to agree, really?
Finally, Amanda and Josh. What about Evan and Carly you ask? Forget them, they bore me. Amanda and Josh, it was so cute that they went to a field to watch some kids play soccer. It gave them some time to talk about how much they both want to have a family and how much they love kids and can't wait to have some one day... Oh that's right Amanda has kids back in America, that she hasn't seen in over a month. Sorry if I question her commitment to being a mother, but I guess being a celebrity is what pays the bills.
Predictions!!!
Evan and Carly - In the promos we see a whole lot of this bitch crying, probably misleading us into thinking that things won't work out (by bitch I mean Evan). This looks to me like he's getting emotional before the proposal. My guess, just like Jade and Tanner (have you heard about those two) Evan and Carly will have a wedding thrown for them by ABC in a year or so. Sorry I can't lie to you, they will get engaged, but she will break it off once she realizes that it's Evan she's engaged to.
Nick and Jen - D.O.A. He's the bachelor next season! My guess they brought her on the show to make him look better before giving him the reins. One more reminder that he's a wounded little puppy too. First Josh, to make him look like he's getting bullied, then Jen to make him look capable of love, and then the chicken girl to give him a date card. Good job ABC, you set it up so stealth like, you're F'n ninjas!
Grant and Lace - This is going to end so badly. Grant is going to propose, Lace is going to turn into her bitch self and just say, "Whatever." Pulls out a cocktail and strolls off the beach to go find her next conquest. At that point Grant will jump into the ocean and do battle with a great white shark, it will be the greatest human / shark battle the world has seen since Jaws. Afterwards Grant and the shark will go get tattoos and eat sushi together.
Amanda and Josh - ABC is just going to erect (with the help of Evan) a small little shack there on the beach so that those two can just get on with the sex. Afterwards they will be whisked away on a worldwide adventure where they will travel as a couple for ABC's new show, "Amazing Bachelor Couple, Race". After a year on the road where we'll get to see them make out in all sorts of uncomfortable places (like the back of a Volkswagen [bonus points if you get that reference]) they will conclude their trip in Africa, where they will adopt two children so they can go home and start a family and live hap-- Oh that's right she already has two kids... I forgot... Oh like I'm the bad person, she forgot weeks ago."
With that, I say farewell. I will be travelling the night after the finale so I won't get to see it until later in the week. Let's see how well my predictions go.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
Bachelor in Paradise - Tacos v. Buggies
Welcome back everyone, it's been, what 4 years since I did one of these. Alas that is all in the past as I have found inspiration to start the blog anew, and I'd like to thank a sweet little lady by the name of Ashley for helping push me over the edge. Kind of like someone going over a cliff, or someone being inspired to jump off a cliff by her, like... Oh I don't know Jared. Anyway enough about Ashley and how she motivates people to want to shoot themselves, let's talk about how she feeds the coal into the train wreck engine that is Bachelor in Paradise.
Our story beings with Ashley and Kayla sitting along the banks of the ocean, looking totally natural, not like the producers had them sit there. Ashley giving her best portrayal of the psycho ex-girlfriend, I mean seriously if this was a movie or some other TV show the next scene would have opened with a dead body being found on the beach. Think about the scene in "Casino Royal" where the woman that James Bond just seduced ends up dead in that hammock, yep that was Ashley's handy work. That's not to say that Kayla is some prize herself, I didn't like her when she got out of the limo a year ago, seemed fake and childish, which makes sense when you consider that her family is loaded and makes backyard toys for toddlers. Speaking of which Step2, has some damn good childrens toys, I digress.
Continuing on with the show trying to look natural, Jared is sent to the jaws of Ashley next by the producers, because it only logically makes sense that he would talk to immediately after Kayla was done, rather than talk to Kayla. At what point does he just say, "Bitch, you're crazy, back off!" Nope just keep that hope alive there buddy, you're not doing anyone any favors, just put that wounded animal down.
Thankfully the Ashley's form of emotional euthanasia comes in the form of Wells, the MOST welcome person to arrive on survivor island... Oh wait sorry wrong show. Sorry I got confused, I thought they all went savage and cannibal with Josh trying to eat Amanda for most of the season, my bad... Anyway, WELLS!!! Welcome to the show, now please go ask Ashley out for everyone, which he promptly does, well done, good boy, would Wellsy like a treat? Sorry there were a lot of dogs related to his return, I got confused again.
Wells and Ashley had a wonderful time eating street tacos in Mexico, and let's face it, what is better than street tacos in Mexico, clean ones... Nothing, which is what else happened on their date, so we move on. Oh some paper blimp burned up like it was foreshadowing something, "Oh the humanity!"
We move on to Chemical Imbalance Theater whos curtains are all made of (queue drums) Lace... Grant, I like you sir, you seem like a level headed dude with a lot of patience, hell you're a firefighter for god sakes. You'd make a great bachelor for the show if you didn't have that one limiting factor, he's like 2 inches too short... What? What were you all thinking? Anyway back to Lace the girl that you remember from those years hitting the bars in college, you know the one always drunk telling you, "I'm fine, no really I'm fine! Leave me alone I'm fine! I love you soo much... Get away from me." Yeah her, thank God I never dated anyone like that, nope I was too screwed up on my own emotions being Ashley in college to notice... hummm... back to the topic at hand I think, yes drunken crazy chick. Lace decides that Carl isn't getting enough attention in the pool so she takes it upon herself to strike up the conversation with Haley's dirty dancing partner, or was it Emily? Oh who gives a shit they all leave this episode anyway, oops spoiler...
As a professional psychiatrist I can tell that Lace has some deep seeded trust issues when it comes to men. It's as if as soon as they get close to her she feels the desire to push them away, like she doesn't deserve to be happy or loved. It probably comes from years of abuse, which really is sad, really f'n great for TV which is why they put her on the show, but sad none the less. She really should be thankful to have a guy like Grant to be there to put up with her shit, but I'm sure they'll be done by the time the show is over, or they run out of Tequila, whatever comes first.
Then what happened? Oh hell, let me go rewind, really the show is 2 hours long, and 3 hours for the week, come on ABC you're killing me here. Actually this show is pretty entertaining, hence the blog, still it's a long time.
Then let's see, Amanda decided that she was sick of pizza breath so she decided that her and Josh needed a night alone from each other and promptly headed off to bed without her *cough* soulmate. This of course caused the strife that the producers had hoped for, hell the producers were even in the conversation for this fight. Come on ABC now you're just being cruel, it's 2 AM and people need to get some sleep, this tropical paradise that you sent them to for weeks on end of nothing but drinking and hanging out on the beach, people need their siestas.
Skipping ahead...
The wonder twins (wonder why they were on here in the first place except to play the, "Which twin is it game.") decided that they had had enough of "paradise" and decided that since they couldn't find love they would leave together. This of course meant the end for my favorite contestant, Daniel. I don't care what you all think, Daniel is awesome! My only wish, they would make him the next bachelor, but he'd be way too entertaining, which of course puts him in line even behind Grant.
Anyway like a pair of seagulls, the twins decide to fly by Amanda, squawk it up, and drop a bunch of shit all over the place. "Hey Nick, I know we're great friends and all, and we all trust one another, so tell us what you think of Josh. It's not like we're just going to go turn around and go tell him what you say. No we'll be really vague and say, 'some people said'..." Anyway enjoy that turd sandwich Nick. Roid rage strikes up and BOOM Josh is all disrespected and wants to have it out with Nick, blaa blaa blaa. Can't they just install the Thunderdoom or something next season, "Two men enter, one man leaves." Oh hell yeah, they should do this show with all MMA fighters, that would be amazing. Don't tell me they already have that show, does it take place on a beach, no it's in a stinky gym and some apartment I'm sure.
Ok back on point here, too many tangents. What struck me about the whole Josh and Amanda thing, if they are a couple, if they do love each other, then why not leave together? I mean isn't that why they are there in the first place (ok second place, fame is numero uno), just make sense to me. And another thing, Amanda had two kids, young kids, shouldn't she be eager to get back to them? Oh wait I did say young kids, they're a lot of work, plus the diapers. NO! No you love your kids, go home with your man, and show them what love and affection look like. Become the family that you were denied the first time around. No really, I'm being serious they should just head home and be happy, eventually they do, the tabloids say they are still together, spoiler alert!
All of the drama with Josh and Nick made for a long night for everyone, which required that they all sleep in extra late the next day, especially Ashley since the Josh / Nick drama really took it's toll on her. With everyone asleep except for Wells, it meant that Jami didn't have anyone else to talk to when she arrived. I mean really where were the other 15 people, it's like they were sequestered or something, curse you producers!!! *shake fist*
Wells and Jami head off on their date for street tacos... Oh wait they didn't go get street tacos, no they got to race around in a buggy and then got to go swimming in some tropical oasis, which I'm sure came with tacos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjF032TDDQ
Sorry Ashley but I just don't think that your tears are going to compete with the nerdy chick that can talk about comics and Batman, to a guy that is essentially a nerd. Hey, takes one to know one. So back to train wreck theater for you Ashley... Actually it's a guest spot on Millionaire Matchmaker, no really she was on the show, we watched it this past weekend. But before that, it's time to stick a dagger into the budding love that your "best friend" is working on. Seemingly pushing Kayla to pack her bags and leave paradise without Jared. Question being, uh can't he just leave with her???
Anyway that's what cliffhangers are made of, we'll just have to check back in tomorrow to see what is going to happened. I'm guessing Ashley pulls back her skin and reveals her true succubus form, killing all of the men who have scorned her during her time in Mexico, and then having Jorge serve her Tequila from the Kayla's skull. Ok Ok Ok I know I'm going a little over the top here, but let's face it, am I that far off from what she is thinking... God I love Disney!
So if you like seeing the blog again, let me know and I'll try to finish out the season.
Cheers!!!
Our story beings with Ashley and Kayla sitting along the banks of the ocean, looking totally natural, not like the producers had them sit there. Ashley giving her best portrayal of the psycho ex-girlfriend, I mean seriously if this was a movie or some other TV show the next scene would have opened with a dead body being found on the beach. Think about the scene in "Casino Royal" where the woman that James Bond just seduced ends up dead in that hammock, yep that was Ashley's handy work. That's not to say that Kayla is some prize herself, I didn't like her when she got out of the limo a year ago, seemed fake and childish, which makes sense when you consider that her family is loaded and makes backyard toys for toddlers. Speaking of which Step2, has some damn good childrens toys, I digress.
Continuing on with the show trying to look natural, Jared is sent to the jaws of Ashley next by the producers, because it only logically makes sense that he would talk to immediately after Kayla was done, rather than talk to Kayla. At what point does he just say, "Bitch, you're crazy, back off!" Nope just keep that hope alive there buddy, you're not doing anyone any favors, just put that wounded animal down.
Thankfully the Ashley's form of emotional euthanasia comes in the form of Wells, the MOST welcome person to arrive on survivor island... Oh wait sorry wrong show. Sorry I got confused, I thought they all went savage and cannibal with Josh trying to eat Amanda for most of the season, my bad... Anyway, WELLS!!! Welcome to the show, now please go ask Ashley out for everyone, which he promptly does, well done, good boy, would Wellsy like a treat? Sorry there were a lot of dogs related to his return, I got confused again.
Wells and Ashley had a wonderful time eating street tacos in Mexico, and let's face it, what is better than street tacos in Mexico, clean ones... Nothing, which is what else happened on their date, so we move on. Oh some paper blimp burned up like it was foreshadowing something, "Oh the humanity!"
We move on to Chemical Imbalance Theater whos curtains are all made of (queue drums) Lace... Grant, I like you sir, you seem like a level headed dude with a lot of patience, hell you're a firefighter for god sakes. You'd make a great bachelor for the show if you didn't have that one limiting factor, he's like 2 inches too short... What? What were you all thinking? Anyway back to Lace the girl that you remember from those years hitting the bars in college, you know the one always drunk telling you, "I'm fine, no really I'm fine! Leave me alone I'm fine! I love you soo much... Get away from me." Yeah her, thank God I never dated anyone like that, nope I was too screwed up on my own emotions being Ashley in college to notice... hummm... back to the topic at hand I think, yes drunken crazy chick. Lace decides that Carl isn't getting enough attention in the pool so she takes it upon herself to strike up the conversation with Haley's dirty dancing partner, or was it Emily? Oh who gives a shit they all leave this episode anyway, oops spoiler...
As a professional psychiatrist I can tell that Lace has some deep seeded trust issues when it comes to men. It's as if as soon as they get close to her she feels the desire to push them away, like she doesn't deserve to be happy or loved. It probably comes from years of abuse, which really is sad, really f'n great for TV which is why they put her on the show, but sad none the less. She really should be thankful to have a guy like Grant to be there to put up with her shit, but I'm sure they'll be done by the time the show is over, or they run out of Tequila, whatever comes first.
Then what happened? Oh hell, let me go rewind, really the show is 2 hours long, and 3 hours for the week, come on ABC you're killing me here. Actually this show is pretty entertaining, hence the blog, still it's a long time.
Then let's see, Amanda decided that she was sick of pizza breath so she decided that her and Josh needed a night alone from each other and promptly headed off to bed without her *cough* soulmate. This of course caused the strife that the producers had hoped for, hell the producers were even in the conversation for this fight. Come on ABC now you're just being cruel, it's 2 AM and people need to get some sleep, this tropical paradise that you sent them to for weeks on end of nothing but drinking and hanging out on the beach, people need their siestas.
Skipping ahead...
The wonder twins (wonder why they were on here in the first place except to play the, "Which twin is it game.") decided that they had had enough of "paradise" and decided that since they couldn't find love they would leave together. This of course meant the end for my favorite contestant, Daniel. I don't care what you all think, Daniel is awesome! My only wish, they would make him the next bachelor, but he'd be way too entertaining, which of course puts him in line even behind Grant.
Anyway like a pair of seagulls, the twins decide to fly by Amanda, squawk it up, and drop a bunch of shit all over the place. "Hey Nick, I know we're great friends and all, and we all trust one another, so tell us what you think of Josh. It's not like we're just going to go turn around and go tell him what you say. No we'll be really vague and say, 'some people said'..." Anyway enjoy that turd sandwich Nick. Roid rage strikes up and BOOM Josh is all disrespected and wants to have it out with Nick, blaa blaa blaa. Can't they just install the Thunderdoom or something next season, "Two men enter, one man leaves." Oh hell yeah, they should do this show with all MMA fighters, that would be amazing. Don't tell me they already have that show, does it take place on a beach, no it's in a stinky gym and some apartment I'm sure.
Ok back on point here, too many tangents. What struck me about the whole Josh and Amanda thing, if they are a couple, if they do love each other, then why not leave together? I mean isn't that why they are there in the first place (ok second place, fame is numero uno), just make sense to me. And another thing, Amanda had two kids, young kids, shouldn't she be eager to get back to them? Oh wait I did say young kids, they're a lot of work, plus the diapers. NO! No you love your kids, go home with your man, and show them what love and affection look like. Become the family that you were denied the first time around. No really, I'm being serious they should just head home and be happy, eventually they do, the tabloids say they are still together, spoiler alert!
All of the drama with Josh and Nick made for a long night for everyone, which required that they all sleep in extra late the next day, especially Ashley since the Josh / Nick drama really took it's toll on her. With everyone asleep except for Wells, it meant that Jami didn't have anyone else to talk to when she arrived. I mean really where were the other 15 people, it's like they were sequestered or something, curse you producers!!! *shake fist*
Wells and Jami head off on their date for street tacos... Oh wait they didn't go get street tacos, no they got to race around in a buggy and then got to go swimming in some tropical oasis, which I'm sure came with tacos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjF032TDDQ
Sorry Ashley but I just don't think that your tears are going to compete with the nerdy chick that can talk about comics and Batman, to a guy that is essentially a nerd. Hey, takes one to know one. So back to train wreck theater for you Ashley... Actually it's a guest spot on Millionaire Matchmaker, no really she was on the show, we watched it this past weekend. But before that, it's time to stick a dagger into the budding love that your "best friend" is working on. Seemingly pushing Kayla to pack her bags and leave paradise without Jared. Question being, uh can't he just leave with her???
Anyway that's what cliffhangers are made of, we'll just have to check back in tomorrow to see what is going to happened. I'm guessing Ashley pulls back her skin and reveals her true succubus form, killing all of the men who have scorned her during her time in Mexico, and then having Jorge serve her Tequila from the Kayla's skull. Ok Ok Ok I know I'm going a little over the top here, but let's face it, am I that far off from what she is thinking... God I love Disney!
So if you like seeing the blog again, let me know and I'll try to finish out the season.
Cheers!!!
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