Welcome back everyone, it's been, what 4 years since I did one of these. Alas that is all in the past as I have found inspiration to start the blog anew, and I'd like to thank a sweet little lady by the name of Ashley for helping push me over the edge. Kind of like someone going over a cliff, or someone being inspired to jump off a cliff by her, like... Oh I don't know Jared. Anyway enough about Ashley and how she motivates people to want to shoot themselves, let's talk about how she feeds the coal into the train wreck engine that is Bachelor in Paradise.
Our story beings with Ashley and Kayla sitting along the banks of the ocean, looking totally natural, not like the producers had them sit there. Ashley giving her best portrayal of the psycho ex-girlfriend, I mean seriously if this was a movie or some other TV show the next scene would have opened with a dead body being found on the beach. Think about the scene in "Casino Royal" where the woman that James Bond just seduced ends up dead in that hammock, yep that was Ashley's handy work. That's not to say that Kayla is some prize herself, I didn't like her when she got out of the limo a year ago, seemed fake and childish, which makes sense when you consider that her family is loaded and makes backyard toys for toddlers. Speaking of which Step2, has some damn good childrens toys, I digress.
Continuing on with the show trying to look natural, Jared is sent to the jaws of Ashley next by the producers, because it only logically makes sense that he would talk to immediately after Kayla was done, rather than talk to Kayla. At what point does he just say, "Bitch, you're crazy, back off!" Nope just keep that hope alive there buddy, you're not doing anyone any favors, just put that wounded animal down.
Thankfully the Ashley's form of emotional euthanasia comes in the form of Wells, the MOST welcome person to arrive on survivor island... Oh wait sorry wrong show. Sorry I got confused, I thought they all went savage and cannibal with Josh trying to eat Amanda for most of the season, my bad... Anyway, WELLS!!! Welcome to the show, now please go ask Ashley out for everyone, which he promptly does, well done, good boy, would Wellsy like a treat? Sorry there were a lot of dogs related to his return, I got confused again.
Wells and Ashley had a wonderful time eating street tacos in Mexico, and let's face it, what is better than street tacos in Mexico, clean ones... Nothing, which is what else happened on their date, so we move on. Oh some paper blimp burned up like it was foreshadowing something, "Oh the humanity!"
We move on to Chemical Imbalance Theater whos curtains are all made of (queue drums) Lace... Grant, I like you sir, you seem like a level headed dude with a lot of patience, hell you're a firefighter for god sakes. You'd make a great bachelor for the show if you didn't have that one limiting factor, he's like 2 inches too short... What? What were you all thinking? Anyway back to Lace the girl that you remember from those years hitting the bars in college, you know the one always drunk telling you, "I'm fine, no really I'm fine! Leave me alone I'm fine! I love you soo much... Get away from me." Yeah her, thank God I never dated anyone like that, nope I was too screwed up on my own emotions being Ashley in college to notice... hummm... back to the topic at hand I think, yes drunken crazy chick. Lace decides that Carl isn't getting enough attention in the pool so she takes it upon herself to strike up the conversation with Haley's dirty dancing partner, or was it Emily? Oh who gives a shit they all leave this episode anyway, oops spoiler...
As a professional psychiatrist I can tell that Lace has some deep seeded trust issues when it comes to men. It's as if as soon as they get close to her she feels the desire to push them away, like she doesn't deserve to be happy or loved. It probably comes from years of abuse, which really is sad, really f'n great for TV which is why they put her on the show, but sad none the less. She really should be thankful to have a guy like Grant to be there to put up with her shit, but I'm sure they'll be done by the time the show is over, or they run out of Tequila, whatever comes first.
Then what happened? Oh hell, let me go rewind, really the show is 2 hours long, and 3 hours for the week, come on ABC you're killing me here. Actually this show is pretty entertaining, hence the blog, still it's a long time.
Then let's see, Amanda decided that she was sick of pizza breath so she decided that her and Josh needed a night alone from each other and promptly headed off to bed without her *cough* soulmate. This of course caused the strife that the producers had hoped for, hell the producers were even in the conversation for this fight. Come on ABC now you're just being cruel, it's 2 AM and people need to get some sleep, this tropical paradise that you sent them to for weeks on end of nothing but drinking and hanging out on the beach, people need their siestas.
Skipping ahead...
The wonder twins (wonder why they were on here in the first place except to play the, "Which twin is it game.") decided that they had had enough of "paradise" and decided that since they couldn't find love they would leave together. This of course meant the end for my favorite contestant, Daniel. I don't care what you all think, Daniel is awesome! My only wish, they would make him the next bachelor, but he'd be way too entertaining, which of course puts him in line even behind Grant.
Anyway like a pair of seagulls, the twins decide to fly by Amanda, squawk it up, and drop a bunch of shit all over the place. "Hey Nick, I know we're great friends and all, and we all trust one another, so tell us what you think of Josh. It's not like we're just going to go turn around and go tell him what you say. No we'll be really vague and say, 'some people said'..." Anyway enjoy that turd sandwich Nick. Roid rage strikes up and BOOM Josh is all disrespected and wants to have it out with Nick, blaa blaa blaa. Can't they just install the Thunderdoom or something next season, "Two men enter, one man leaves." Oh hell yeah, they should do this show with all MMA fighters, that would be amazing. Don't tell me they already have that show, does it take place on a beach, no it's in a stinky gym and some apartment I'm sure.
Ok back on point here, too many tangents. What struck me about the whole Josh and Amanda thing, if they are a couple, if they do love each other, then why not leave together? I mean isn't that why they are there in the first place (ok second place, fame is numero uno), just make sense to me. And another thing, Amanda had two kids, young kids, shouldn't she be eager to get back to them? Oh wait I did say young kids, they're a lot of work, plus the diapers. NO! No you love your kids, go home with your man, and show them what love and affection look like. Become the family that you were denied the first time around. No really, I'm being serious they should just head home and be happy, eventually they do, the tabloids say they are still together, spoiler alert!
All of the drama with Josh and Nick made for a long night for everyone, which required that they all sleep in extra late the next day, especially Ashley since the Josh / Nick drama really took it's toll on her. With everyone asleep except for Wells, it meant that Jami didn't have anyone else to talk to when she arrived. I mean really where were the other 15 people, it's like they were sequestered or something, curse you producers!!! *shake fist*
Wells and Jami head off on their date for street tacos... Oh wait they didn't go get street tacos, no they got to race around in a buggy and then got to go swimming in some tropical oasis, which I'm sure came with tacos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjF032TDDQ
Sorry Ashley but I just don't think that your tears are going to compete with the nerdy chick that can talk about comics and Batman, to a guy that is essentially a nerd. Hey, takes one to know one. So back to train wreck theater for you Ashley... Actually it's a guest spot on Millionaire Matchmaker, no really she was on the show, we watched it this past weekend. But before that, it's time to stick a dagger into the budding love that your "best friend" is working on. Seemingly pushing Kayla to pack her bags and leave paradise without Jared. Question being, uh can't he just leave with her???
Anyway that's what cliffhangers are made of, we'll just have to check back in tomorrow to see what is going to happened. I'm guessing Ashley pulls back her skin and reveals her true succubus form, killing all of the men who have scorned her during her time in Mexico, and then having Jorge serve her Tequila from the Kayla's skull. Ok Ok Ok I know I'm going a little over the top here, but let's face it, am I that far off from what she is thinking... God I love Disney!
So if you like seeing the blog again, let me know and I'll try to finish out the season.
Cheers!!!
